As I sat there with tears in my eyes and a heart that felt too heavy, I thought of you. I was always thinking of you lately; the things we had done, the words we had said, the memories we had created, the pinky promises we had made. With you it was different. We lived in a world that we created based on each other and our life together. We lived in a bubble, a bubble that was formed by the love we found, and I loved our bubble so, so much. It started small, our love. It was the kind of love where you could sit there and not say a word but feel like you had just had the best conversation of your life. The kind of love where just smiling at each other put a million butterflies in my stomach. The kind of love that doesn’t need to be said, for it finds beauty in the unspoken words, the secret thoughts. It was easy, you and I. Our love, our small, precious, seemingly perfect love grew to be so much bigger, though. As more time was spent together, we expanded the depth of our feelings, our world, our bubble. Think of it like this. As you blow a bubble and watch it expand, you know that eventually it will grow too much and pop. This, I have come to realize, was our love. I watched for days, weeks, months as we expanded our world. The laughs, the tears, the happiness, the confusion, the pain, the anger, the jokes, the cuddles, the things we did together; these are the things I will never forget, for we created an entire universe of our own with them. This place was my home, my world with you. It was my safe house, my anchor, my sanctuary. Nothing had ever felt so pure, so right. But we, being imperfect human beings, did not know how to take care of our world. It was soon corrupted by arguments, doubt, distrust. The love we so deeply shared began to coexist with these other feelings, and it soon began to tear on my heart, to tear on our bubble. I do not blame you for this; I know you loved our bubble too.
One thing I loved about our love was the feeling it put into my soul. An overwhelming feeling of excitement, joy, surprise, a feeling no amount of words could possibly even begin to explain. Your presence alone was enough for me, your hugs were all I needed for so long. As I look back now on our bubble, there is part of me that wishes we had given each other the strength to keep our world alive and well. There is part of me that feels the scar you left on my heart and wishes oh so much that you would come back and heal it, erase it if you could.
I am in a world now, a new bubble, that I created on my own. You are not here, you are no longer living in it with me, but somehow, in many ways, you have helped me create this new universe for myself. You shaped me partially into the girl I am, and I didn’t even know it. You taught me to love, and for that I am eternally grateful for you. You taught me to take chances, to try new things. I loved you because of your crazy ideas, your wild and adventurous mind. You taught me to be so strong, even when I believed there was no ounce of strength left in me. You are the one I will remember, the name I will never be able to say without feeling a little tug on my heart. You are the one I blared Mr. Brightside and No Interruption with and sang at the top of my lungs with like a fool with the windows down and my feet on the dashboard. You are the one I laughed too much with, the one whose jokes were my favorite (even though I never let you know it). You are the one whose smile and laugh made my heart skip a beat. You are the one who listened to all my petty complaints, all my dumb stories with all ears and a curious mind. You are the one who accepted my flaws, even when I couldn’t accept them myself. You are the one I lost myself with. You are the one I found myself with. You are the one who took a part of me I will never get back, but a part I know you deserve to keep. You are the boy I created a bubble with, and I hope you know how much I loved living in it with you. You were a love, and there is simply no way I will ever forget the feeling of loving you. I will never forget when I asked you, with tears in my eyes and a heart that felt too heavy, “Do you think we will ever love someone like we love each other again?” With your hand in mine, you replied, “I don’t think I will ever love someone like this again; so raw, so unexpected, so refreshing.” As you said this, and as I looked at you knowing you were the boy that would always hold so much of my heart, I realized the exact reason I loved you. I realized that every day I loved you, every day I had been yours, I never tried; I just did. Being me was enough for you, me in my most raw, complete form. There was never a secret about myself I couldn’t share with you, never a weird characteristic I had that you didn’t love. I love you for this, I always will.
Thank you for creating a world with me that I loved so much and for sharing it with me in the time that we did. Thank you for being not only a shoulder to cry on, but a body to hug, a soul to confide in, a heart to melt into. Thank you is the main thing I want to say to you, because I never said it enough. I do not want to talk about the rough times we had, the awful things we may have said, the hurtful things we ever did to each other. I just want you to know that I hope your new world, being created without me in it, is a happy one. I hope it is filled with smiles, jokes (even your dumb ones), laughs, and so, so much love. You hung many stars in my life that I will keep in the new constellation I am creating, the one I need to construct on my own now. I will look at these and think of you because they will shine so bright, and with a smile on my face and a little tug on my heart, I will remember the universe we once shared, our bubble, and hope that maybe you are thinking of it too.
Categories: Life Happens